Hey! This is Tom Gibney, pitchman for the newest fat-burning workout on the market – The LOST Workout! (Creators of ‘The Lost Workout’ tried to get the Sham-Wow guy but he was busy dicing up onions and stuff like that!)
In honor of a TREMENDOUSLY encompassing television event that thoroughly examined the human condition for the past 6 years, I’m here today to tell you about the secret workout the castaways were rigorously put through to stay in peak physical condition on the show ‘LOST’!
Haven’t you ever wondered how Sawyer stayed in such good shape on the island that the writers of the show just couldn’t keep a shirt on him? But wait a minute, what about the reality television sensation, ‘Survivor’? Every person on Survivor ends up LOGICALLY loosing a lot of weight (including fat and sacrificing muscle) and end up looking about 20 years older from their diet of twigs, berries, and whatever they can catch from the Ocean/Jungle. However, this did not hold true for the passengers of Oceanic Flight 815! So how did Sawyer do it?
Sawyer and the rest of the Losties ordered the 15 VHS set of heart-pounding workouts (which they played on the VCRs in the Dharma stations.) These workouts are GUARANTEED to work because they are instructed by Dr. Pierre Chang...and he’s a Doctor!!
What do you say folks? How about a sneak peak at a few exciting exercises you’ll be doing to stay in shape if an electromagnetic burst of energy makes you’re plane crash land on a mysterious island like the one in the show ‘LOST!’
[Pause for audience applause]
[Cue exciting adventure music proceeded by 5 second clips of the following exercises]
· Running away from Polar Bears
· Writing ‘HELP’ real big in the sand every morning
· Dodging bullets shot at you by the Others
· Challenging the smoke monster to a race
· Swimming back and forth from neighboring islands
· Working on your MMA Ground and Pound techniques by punching Benjamin Linus in the face like everyone else on the island does
· Playing Sand Volleyball
· Shrugging off the evil whispers of those condemned to spending an eternity on the island
· Building sand castles
· Doing pull-ups on the bars of the Polar Bear cages on Hydra Island
· Doing Strongest Man competitions by lifting, pulling, and throwing pieces of the wreckage!
· Spinning the underground wheel now and again to move the island
· Time traveling – a great way to burn extra calories (and get a bloody nose!)
· Doing push-ups anywhere. Start with doing 6 sets and shoot for the following number of reps: 4, 8, 15, 16, 23, & 42
· Seeing how many laps around the hatch you can do while still managing to push the button every 108 minutes
· Diving away from dropped sticks of Black Rock dynamite by Ilana and dodging pieces of those not fast enough to get away (Artz)
· Playing in the inaugural Flight 815 Invitational Golf Tournament on the scenic Hawaiian course where the greens are in worse shape than most roughs!
· Combing Sawyer’s hair...108 strokes per side (a surprising shoulder workout!)
· And don’t drink the dharma beer...it’s gotta be SKUNKED!
Trying to stay as youthful at Richard Alpert and impressing Kate – Hubba Hubba!!
[Fade to black and pause for audience applause]
Wow! Simply amazing!! And I have an exclusive offer to tell you about right now. If you order TODAY, we will throw in a FREE Smoke Monster plush toy that we will almost guarantee will NOT kill your children! So what are you waiting for? You can’t workout when you’re DEAD...or can you???? Huh!
Disclaimer #1: ABC and the creators of LOST have not officially endorsed this workout...yet!
Disclaimer #2: Let me address the elephant in the room. Yes. Hugo Reyes did not lose an ounce on the island over the course of the 6 years when he could certainly stand to lose about 100 pounds. Hurley/Hugo did NOT participate in The LOST Workout. This was an executive decision by the writers of the show as they said the secret to a successful show was all about having a lovable fat guy. Hugo actually talked to Jacob and dead people while the rest of the actors worked out. Hugo was just casted to a contestant on the next season of The Biggest Loser!
[Ed. Note – Claims of the ‘Lost’ Workout has not been verified by the FDA and should used as part of a healthy lifestyle. The DSI blog cannot be held accountable for actions related to unauthorized time travel.]
Does anyone remember those Sprite commercials with they guy that always says, ‘Excuse me...What’s my motivation?’ I, along with many Americans, struggle with the answer to this epic question constantly when it comes to exercise. Why? Let’s be honest, it’s a heck of a lot easier NOT to workout and just use excuses like ‘I don’t have time’ or ‘I’m allergic to sweat and it gives me hives.’
After 27 years of self-examination, I’ve concluded that I’m an idiot! Seriously, it’s like I hopped into the gene pool while the lifeguard wasn’t looking!! Allow me to explain.
Back in high school, I was playing organized football, baseball, and track & field while playing most other sports in some form of a pick-up game fashion. I was competitive! My philosophy was “I don’t play unless I think I can win!” For example, I choose not to play the longest game ever invented, Monopoly! What’s my beef with Monopoly? Even though I’m a pretty sly cheater that volunteers to be the ‘Banker’ (whom I consider to be the ‘Bank Robber’) which allows me to constantly pad my pockets with more rainbow-colored money than I’ll ever make in my entire lifetime, I know my patience simply won’t hold up long enough to win a game that takes over 3 ½ days to complete! So, I keep it simple and not to brag, but I am one kick-butt Hungry Hungry Hippo champion...I have a belt!
Okay...so back to why I’m an idiot! Back in high school when I actually had things to play for in my organized sports career (i.e. college offers, scholarships, fame & fortune, multi-million dollar signing bonuses, a yacht with hot chicks in bikinis, etc.) I was nowhere near as competitive as I am now! I mean, I just got mad when I was typing this blog because spell check found an error! How about this spell check...I did mean to type ‘hungry’ twice in the previous paragraph because that’s the name of the game...stupid spell check thinking its better than me! I always give it my best effort when it came to sports but for some reason I simply didn’t have the drive I have today! But why? Why did I
take every shortcut I could when it came to weight training and conditioning for high school football/track when now I workout twice a day and have nothing to workout for?
Short answer is that I didn’t find my motivation back then. I couldn’t find my driving force because I was just a naïve high school kid that didn’t know what he wanted. I wanted to hang out with friends, learn to drive a car, & have fun! Exercise wasn’t ‘fun’ to me back then...and a faster metabolism back then allowed me not to consider working out a ‘necessary evil.’
My advice is to ask yourself the question, ‘What’s my motivation?’ You get what you put into it so what are you looking for. To not be embarrassed at the beach? To fight genetics? To live a long healthy life? To be there for your spouse? To be around to watch your children grow up? To protect your family? To build self confidence? To have fun? Self-defense? Even if you just like looking at yourself in the mirror, you need to find your motivation and USE IT to attain your goals!
When people say “I’ll give it 120%”, am I the only one that wishes they’ll fail miserably? It just drives me bonkers when I hear that!
Here’s my thought! If you’re just going to pull random percentages out of your butt, why stop at 120%? Why not say, ‘I’ll give it 439 Gazillion Percent!’? (I didn’t know how many zeros were in a gazillion, so yes, I had to write it out!) All I know is if I’m going to live in a fantasy world with unicorns, leprechauns, the Little Mermaid, the Loch Ness Monster and overly exaggerated percentages...I’m going to dream big!
Let me break this down for ya! It’s only possible for someone to give 100%. 101% doesn’t exist! I mean, Superman can do some crazy stuff (i.e. stop bullets, jump buildings, fly, make the earth rotate backwards, date Lois Lane even with those nerdy glasses) but even Superman can only muster up 100%! If you think the ability to give more than 100% exists, then your definition of
100% must be my definition of 90%! If you’re still leaving enough in the tank to be able to do more than 100%...shame on you!
Tony Horton, whom I consider to be the ‘Godfather’ of working out, says ‘Do your best and forget the rest!’ It’s simple, but easier said than done! If you always do your best, you WILL get your desired results whether its weight-loss, muscle-gain, running faster/longer, or jumping higher.
So here are a few workout tips:
· If your goal is toning & gaining lean muscle mass, don’t stop at 10 repetitions just because 10 is a nice round number! When the Steelers are in the Red Zone with 17 points on the board, they don’t just kick a field goal on 1st down because 20 is a nice even number...they go for the endzone! Push it and fight for an 11th, 12thor even 13th rep! Give it 100% He-Man!
· If your goal is to gain mass and bulk up, lift heavier weights and low repetitions...no more than 6-10 reps. If you can get more than 10 reps, keep your shirt on because you didn’t transform into Hulk Hogan...you just need to add more weight! Don’t be doggin’ it, give 100%.
· Someone at the gym once told me, ‘If you want to get bigger, put more food on the plate & more weight on the bench!’ Yes, this concept is NOT as profound as rocket science, just keep it simple and use common sense! Though your brain is NOT a muscle, your brain does tell your muscles what to do so use 100% of it!
To summarize, quit living in a fairy tale sippin’ zero-calorie beer with Count Dracula & Big Foot! [Ed. Note: Can you imagine THAT party?] Drop these erroneous 100% references from your vocabulary! You sound stupid! Seriously, stop right now!
Please Note: From what I understand, scientists have conducted numerous extensive studies and have deduced that Chuck Norris does have the ability to give 101% but come on...he’s Chuck Freakin’ Norris!
Welcome to Tom Gibney’s blog! When I was first asked to begin a blog, I thought ‘Nope, that’s not for me. I’m probably the last person that should begin a blog!’ Don’t believe me? Well, I’ve taken the liberty of creating a list of reasons why I should NOT be a blogger. See below:
- I didn’t even really know what a blog was until I was asked to do this.
- I don’t read any blogs, so I have no idea what was expected of me.
Everything I say doesn’t even remotely resemble political correctness.
I’m the guy that always says what people are thinking, but are afraid to say it out loud.
I’m the person that always takes every conversation to the next level, and either gets a riot-filled laugh or the response ‘okay, you just took that too far!’
I’m wordy as you’ll see by the length of this introductory blog.
Based on the aforementioned reasons, I’m certain that my blog will not be officially endorsed by the higher ups at DSI/ITI, but I’m putting it out there anyway. Hope you enjoy!
How about a quick background on me? I’m a 27 year old redhead born and raised in Altoona, Pennsylvania. You know what they say...’What happens in Altoona, stays in Altoona!’ (Why did I have to happen in Altoona?) I grew up the shy kid that was the teacher’s pet in school and was afraid to talk to girls. I didn’t really come out of my shell until after college at Saint Francis University. With the person I am today however, and a time machine, I would’ve definitely been the ‘cool kid’ and class clown if I was granted a do over in high school!
Sports are LIFE to me! I have pretty much played every sport growing up and still play baseball in a city league and enjoying the laid back atmosphere of Sunday Softball. Then counter that in with the intensity of playing flag football, some pick up basketball games with the guys from work and some youth baseball coaching on the side and that’s pretty much what’s on my eHarmony page!
I’m quite the workout enthusiast and exercise seven days a week, usually twice a day from Monday through Friday and strive for a perfect blend of weight and cardio-based training. Many ask me, ‘Why the heck do you push yourself so hard? Seriously dude, you need to get a life!’ I tend to think that’s just something people that don’t workout say just to make themselves feel better about NOT exercising! However, they do have a point! Why do I do it? I mean, do you think the IOC will ever award an Olympic gold medal for the ‘Best Exerciser’ in the world? Maybe I could be the Michael Phelps of treadmill running? Doubtful! I can hop on the treadmill and knock out five miles like its nothing, but to be completely honest, I SUCK at it!
Allow me to set up a normal treadmill running adventure for you! I’ll be listening to my running tunes on my iPod (Fall Out Boy for some reason) while trying to keep up reading the warp-speed subtitles on ESPN at the gym. Sounds just like any other sweaty dude at the gym, right? However, I become so engrossed in SportsCenter, Mike & Mike, or Pardon the Interruption that I’m swaying back and forth on the belt of the treadmill like I just stumbled out of the bar after a whiskey night!
Have you ever stepped off the belt of the treadmill when you’re really pushing it at a speed of 9 or higher? The treadmill and the rubber sole of your Nikes combine to make a loud, high-pitch squeaking noise similar to that of stepping on a dog’s tail (and not one of those big masculine dogs, more like one of those yippy punt pass and kick dogs). Everyone else doing cardio at the time instantly look at you as if they were on some ‘Synchronized Not Minding Their Own Business Team!’ You know what’s more embarrassing than that? Doing it like three or four times during the course of my 40-minute run! I’m learning though, as I now just stare at the wall to avoid such comments after I get done running (like the 80-yr old Grandma saying ‘first time running huh?’) My advice: If you ever pull my stepping on a yippy dogs tail treadmill stunt, just look over at the old guy walking on the treadmill next to you with his shirt pulled up over his Santa Claus belly and shake your head...old people are easy to push the blame on!
Based on the fact that I work closely with corrections officers and officials, I think my blog can be relevant to those folks that work within the crazy world of jails and prisons (especially those that actually work within the jail.) As we all know, inmates have nothing but TIME on their hands...and possibly some blood (hence the incarceration.) Therefore, if inmates are using their time to do push-ups, pull-ups, sit-ups, cardio and curling garbage bags full of water (since weights are often prohibited to keep the inmate from being able to overpower the correctional officers), shouldn’t the corrections staff be concerned about all aspects of physical fitness as well? I know if I were surrounded by inmates all day and knowing they were always scheming against the administration, I would sure want to know that I could protect myself!
Hopefully this blog will speak to you and hope that my general fitness tips and the various workouts that work for me (and ones I’ve heard about) will keep those on the RIGHT side of the bars SAFE and will spawn discussions on what may or may not have worked for you!
Please Note: This will be the longest blog I will ever post...I may submit this blog as my thesis if I head to Grad School!